Blog Update
So…..
Graduation was yesterday. It was a lot of ‘pomp and ceremony’ but it was really good. Those that asked/ listened to my ramblings will know that I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of QUB and that I made no secret of that fact. However, that is not to been as a reflection of any member of the teaching staff as they were always helpful. Nor should that be seen as a reflection on my fellow students as they were a very nice bunch of people. I’m not the most social of people at the best of times so my group of friends was quite small but there were a lot of people who I would have talked to if I had seen them and they were all nice.
Anyway the whole point of that aside was to set the scene for what I’m about to write and this is something that is frequently the case with me and it certainly wasn’t ‘something new’ yesterday. Sitting at graduation I realised things that I really should have realised 2 and a half years ago. It really was a case of “you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone”. It was so strange standing talking to everyone and knowing that it was very possibly the last time I would see many of them. This was the final realisation (if needed) that absolutely everything ‘wrong’ with me is in my own head. I’m regretting what I didn’t have or didn’t do and the only reason that I didn’t have it or didn’t do it is because I didn’t let myself do it.
I am the problem, no confidence etc. I don’t know if a fear of failure (perceived or otherwise) has resulted in this but I simply haven’t ‘reached out and grabbed’ the opportunities.
Everything in life is a learning experience and, all being well, I will be moving to Maastricht in 6 or 7 weeks to begin an MA. This is a fresh start for me both academically and socially, knowing the mistakes that I have made I can hopefully avoid making them again. However, Maastricht will be different anyway because I will be in a different country and I will essentially be ‘forced’ to be more social and that is also going to help me.
Of course I shouldn’t wait to go away before I take these lessons on board, I’ll present myself better, come across more confident and be more prepared to ‘grab’ opportunities before they pass and please, if you see me not doing this, remind me that I have said and written it and make me do it.
I’m aware that people probably won’t even read this but that honestly doesn’t matter, if you are reading it then hello and thank you but the reality of this particular entry is that it is for me. My head swims with absolute shite and being able to narrate things in this way enables me to achieve a rarely experienced ‘clarity’ and before you ask - No, I haven’t had a drink.
Anyway I think that’s it for now
Peace Out
Pre final final mumblings
It has been a funny few weeks to say the least. Tomorrow morning I sit my last exam at QUB and, while I am nervous, I will be glad to get it finished and am looking forward to the prospect of change. I know I’ve probably driven many of you nuts with all the shite I’ve been coming up with. I apologise for that and, while I can’t promise that I won’t tweet and post shite (It is me after all), it will be scaled back considerably. Next time I post I will have finished my undergrad course so here’s hoping for the future, happiness and progress for us all…..
Slan!
Shameless Consumerism
Events today inspired me to have a rant about consumerism (of sorts). Today I made a purchase of make-up from a door to door salesperson. Yes, I bought make up (surely breaking some taboo in the process?) I even managed to make a dodgy joke about needing some on Saturday night (Should I be proud or ashamed?) Anyway my point is that I am gullible and can frequently be ‘a sucker for a smile’ and so on. There are countless other people like me and, in fact, this kind of person is exactly what the market is built upon. When someone smiles or anything like that we feel more inclined to help/purchase and this simple reality can be applied anywhere.
From this companies will exploit us and make us buy things that we do not necessarily want or need. Granted we are based upon principles of ‘supply and demand’ but shrewd manipulation is used to create this demand. We need society to evolve beyond this, to get past dishonesty, deceit and manipulation
Rant over ( for now)
P.S. Anyone want some Victoria Jackson make-up?
Late night brainwave?
As I sit with my iPod on (using tumblr app atm) I’m struck with a sudden brainwave/flash of inspiration that ought to be recorded. For some reason, something that I have either seen, heard or read recently has sparked a (very late) realisation that I need to ‘wise up’ and stop feeling sorry for myself. Sitting moaning will get now nowhere. Sure things aren’t going the way I thought they would a few years ago but we I suppose we are made not by our success, but by how we react to failure (perceived or otherwise). Bottom line is that sitting pondering and moaning is going to get me nowhere and I need to become more proactive. I speak to some of you followers on a regular basis and please, make sure you hold me to this. Things are gonna change and I need to make sure I’m in the driving seat…..
Clarification
I am perfectly healthy (as far as I know) the tests are related to potential Cystic Fibrosis in the family so it could have an impact on children (if I had any). Touchy subject as my sister is pregnant and does not know about the CF - though she has already had two kids who are completely fine as are my brother’s five kids, t’s just my youngest sister who is showing it (her son is a carrier) so I may be ok
Bleugh! It’s 1am the night before an exam and my head is swimming with thoughts about almost everything EXCEPT ‘Negotiations and Conflict Resoloution’ (The exam). Typical me though, always do think a lot more in the late night/early morning. Of course I’m still trying to figure out how Tumblr works but I’m sure I’ll get there eventually.
I guess the main thought is one of impending change. I graduate in a matter of weeks and friends of mine have their plans for the future and some are essentially engaged etc and I can’t help but feel almost left behind (in some ways more than others). I also have these hospital tests in the back of my mind (no direct impact on me but may have a major impact in the future - will explain at a later date). On Friday 3rd June I will be free of exams and more able to focus on these other things. But if I do I may end up making myself feel even worse so maybe it’s not a good idea or maybe I’m simply thinking too much, I genuinely don’t know……
But for now I need to do more revision. Hope I haven’t bored you to tears if you took the time to read this!
